Reepicheep: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by opera13
Summary: Inspired by Theresa Green's delightful series, now you can own a Reepicheep unit of your very own.


CONGRATULATIONS!   
  
You are now the proud owner of a REEPICHEEP! In order to obtain top performance from your Talking Mouse, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your Narnian Beast to his full potential.  
  
Your REEPICHEEP should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories (see specially chosen list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of REEPICHEEP that you ordered, as there are two:  
  
(a) Edition I REEPICHEEP (copyright Lewis, 1951)  
  
(b) Edition II REEPICHEEP (copyright BBC 1987)  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
  
Name: REEPICHEEP (AKA Chief Mouse, Reep)  
  
Type: Talking Mouse  
  
Manufacturers: Aslan, Inc.  
  
Date of Manufacture: ???  
  
Description:  
  
Edition I REEPICHEEP - black fur and golden eyes.  
  
Edition II REEPICHEEP - brown fur and green eyes.  
  
ACCESSORIES  
  
Your REEPICHEEP unit, regardless of the edition, will be shipped to you in a protective crate. He will be wearing a plain golden circlet with a crimson feather, complimented by a flowing red cape and sword with sword belt.  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE  
  
Your REEPICHEEP has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice-activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or Narnian.  
  
Your REEPICHEEP is a Mouse of many talents and can be utilized in several capacities about the house:  
  
Travel Agent:  
  
Your REEPICHEEP's knowledge of foreign countries will prove invaluable as you plan your holiday in Narnia and the lands around.  
  
Bodyguard:  
  
REEPICHEEP is a skilled warrior and will protect you to the death.  
  
Home Security Advisor:  
  
REEPICHEEP can help you defend your home from anything from the common thief to invading Telmarines. Note: If he suggests installation of a moat, you may wish to invest in our LILYGLOVES model to facilitate the digging.  
  
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
  
You will find that your REEPICHEEP is compatible with most other models, with the exception of the MIRAZ and PUG models (Also, in some rare cases, the EUSTACE model).  
  
PRECAUTIONS  
  
Do not expose your REEPICHEEP to strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity, traps, toasted cheese, or candles.  
  
CLEANING  
  
REEPICHEEP will always insist on washing himself, and will often do so.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
  
Q: Why does REEPICHEEP spend so much time gazing out to sea?  
  
A: He likely has a case of sea-longing. We recommend that you move to a mountainous region far from the shore and never rent the movies "Beaches," "Master and Commander," or "Pirates of the Carribbean."  
  
Q: REEPICHEEP keeps quoting something about "where the waves grow sweet." I tried buying him bottled water, but he still quotes it. Why?  
  
A: A centaur spoke a prophecy over REEPICHEEP at his birth saying that when he had sailed into the "utter east" where "the waves grow sweet," REEPICHEEP would find all that he desired. (Henceforth called the Prophecy.). It has nothing to do with the quality of your tap water. Just let him quote it and then try to change the subject.  
  
Q: REEPICHEEP keeps singing a song about a pale moon rising across the sea. It's a lackluster tune and his voice isn't suited to it. Why does he sing it?  
  
A: Your REEPICHEEP has apparently been exposed to the song "Into the West" from the movie "The Return of the King." Explain to REEPICHEEP that his destiny lies to the east, not the west, and that he should not allow himself to become confused by thematic similarities in Lewis and Tolkien.  
  
Q. REEPICHEEP keeps begging me to buy a DAWN TREADER unit.  
  
A. If you want to lose REEPICHEEP, you could buy the DAWN TREADER model along with a SALTY SAILORS BOX SET. WARNING: If you do this, they will eventually sail into the east and you will lose REEPICHEEP forever. If you decide not to do as he asks, you can order a small Memory Revision Drive™, which will allow you to erase all of REEPICHEEP's memory of the "Prophecy."  
  
TROUBLESHOOTING  
  
Problem: My neighbor owns a EUSTACE model and every so often EUSTACE will attempt to swing REEPICHEEP around by his tail. This usually ends with REEPICHEEP bludgeoning EUSTACE with the flat of his blade. My neighbor is threatening to sue, even though her model always starts it.  
  
Solution: Your neighbor appears to own an early Edition I (pre-dragonized) EUSTACE. We recommend that your neighbor install the Dragon Island Expansion Pack™. Once this is done the two should get along amiably.  
  
Problem: My REEPICHEEP has white fur, not black, and he sounds like Michael J. Fox.  
  
Solution: You have accidentally been issued a STUART LITTLE unit rather than a REEPICHEEP unit. Return the unit promptly and we will be happy to issue you the correct unit.  
  
Problem: I gave REEPICHEEP a hug the other day, 'cause he's so cute and furry. Now he refuses to speak to me.  
  
Solution: REEPICHEEP units are very conscious of their dignity. You should never try to hug, pet, or coddle a REEPICHEEP unit. We recommend that you write him a formal apology, in verse, preferably in the form of a Shakespearean sonnet. This will usually alleviate any tension.  
  
Problem: My neighbor also owns a REEPICHEEP. Through her carelessness, her unit's tail was broken off in an accident involving a cat and a washing machine. Now my REEPICHEEP unit is threatening to cut his tail off, too.  
  
Solution: Narnian Talking Mice are very sympathetic to the plight of their fellow Mice in regards to missing tails. We recommend that you hot-glue or staple a length of rope to the back of your neighbor's REEPICHEEP unit (He won't feel a thing, but wear your jogging shoes, just in case.). This should effectively terminate the loop in your unit's Sympathy Subroutine.  
  
Problem: I took REEPICHEEP to the marina yesterday. Now I can't find him anywhere!  
  
Solution: Your REEPICHEEP has almost certainly been overcome by sea- longing and stolen aboard one of the east-bound boats. You may wish to consider replacing him with a PEEPICEEK unit which, while not as popular as our REEPICHEEP units, is free of the Sea-Longing Program Bug.  
  
Problem: I told REEPICHEEP about a nightmare I had. He now insists on standing watch in my bedroom. My spouse is getting upset.  
  
Solution: Explain to REEPICHEEP that you are nowhere near the Dark Island and he should go away. If he is unconvinced, you may wish to purchase a nightlight to allay his fear for you.  
  
Problem: REEPICHEEP frequently puts my little brother's rubber snake in the bathtub and attempts to drown it.  
  
Solution: REEPICHEEP believes that your brother's toy is a sea serpent and is trying to defeat it. Help him out. It's fun.  
  
Amusing Situations:  
  
(1) If you buy a REEPICHEEP, CASPIAN, and GUMPAS unit, REEPICHEEP and CASPIAN will team up against GUMPAS. Watch GUMPAS run!  
  
(2) If you buy a REEPICHEEP along with the OTHER MICE BOXED SET and a GIANT WIMBLEWEATHER and set WIMBLEWEATHER to Teardrop Mode, you can listen to the mice squeak in chorus.  
  
Note: If any consumers come up with more Amusing Situations, please call 1-800-SQUEAKY. Our REEPICHEEP secretary will be most interested to hear of any new scenarios.  
  
FINAL NOTE  
  
Due to the unpredictable nature of REEPICHEEP, you will find that you have not been issued with a guarantee. However, if he is taken very well care of, and has had no seaside contact, REEPICHEEP should live for some fifty plus years. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with LotR Elven units may find this rather disappointing; console yourself with the knowledge that REEPICHEEP units are much less expensive to maintain as they do not require personal stylists and top-of-the-line hygiene products, or really any care at all. 


End file.
